Conversations | University - part 2

Back in december last year I publish a post called university, about why I decided to take a gap year. And now I kind of feel I need to do an update on that, so here I am :)

So what has changed since that first post?

I got and quitted my first job. I'm slightly more certain of my passions. Started swimming lessons and also driving theory classes. Started to learn I should do what I like.

I'm so glad I decided to take the year off. And this year so far I met new places and new people but especially learned more about me. It's been a year of self-growth.

Snapwire

Considering all my options, I realized that uni is not something I want so I'm not going to be a university student either this year. And I guess that's ok, but I avoid talking about that since people are kind of forcing me to go to uni with the justification 'because you should', although I've already said I'm not. It seems I have to come up with an instant plan if I'm not going to university. People seem sad because I was a great student and should use the grades I had and go to uni. Or worse, assuming I don't like learning or that I want nothing from life. And in the way they are approaching me, they also seem really concerned about taking charge of my life. Showing no interest in respecting what I want and listening what I've got to say.

It would be really nice, if instead of attacking me - that's really what I feel when the topic uni comes up - they asked me for instance if I'm happy with this decision, asked why I choose not going or really just even listening and giving me the space to share my thoughts would be great.

I want to do more decisions based on my own wants because I really realized that 'what's right for one person isn't necessarily best for another'. And there are so many more options I want to try and just thinking about them gets me super excited. Totally the opposite of imagining myself at uni.

I'm not saying university wouldn't benefit me in any way, there's really not the case. I know about lots of people that say that their best years were in university, loved their courses and felt that they wanted to work in a certain area for the rest of their lives. And obviously there's nothing wrong with that, but there's also nothing wrong feeling you don't fit into that category.

Could university be a good experience? Of course it could, but what I decide to do instead could be an even better experience. It's a matter of choice and uni is not my choice for now.

I've been learning that there's nothing wrong with not pursuing the same path that someone else does and following my gut. That being a huge unexpected thing for me, because I'm the kind of person that always tend to do a lot of thinking, feeling the need to have everything figured out and know exactly what to expect. So at this moment, it's feels really good allowing myself to let go part of that and be more opened to not having a "proper" plan or not knowing all the answers. It's so flipping scary, but I'm kind of liking this uncertainty because I'm realizing there's a universe of opportunities.

I truly want to experience all this world around me and I really don't think I'm going to do that sitting in a room trying to get grades that don't show nothing about me and the actual world or how to live out there.

So the answer to what do I want to do? I'm creating it and I'm truly content doing it

Lots of hugs, A

Headphones - Chillout playlist

Wow, almost four months but I'm back. I'm so excited to be back!!

Today sharing my favourite playlist - in constant growth - for the nights I sit on the balcony admiring the sky and thinking about the universe, or simply for when I lie in bed with my eyes closed and being in my little world soaking in the music.

Here you have like 2 hours of music. Enjoy :)

The list:

Matt Corby & Bree Tranter - Big Eyes

Ben Howard - Promise

New Empire - Relight The Fire (Live Acoustic)

Sam Garrett - Higher Than The Mountains

Sam Garrett - Hope (Acoustic)

Sam Garrett - Brave Beautiful Animals

Sam Garrett - Don't Let Go

Birdy - People Help The People

Birdy - Wings (Acoustic)

Daniela Andrade & Dabin - Eternal Sunshine (Cover)

Gabrielle Aplin - Salvation

Kwabs - Perfect Ruin

Oh Wonder - Livewire

Oh Wonder - Heart Hope

Passenger - Heart's On Fire

Passenger - When We Were Young

Selah Sue - Time

Shannon Saunders - Creatures

Sierra Noble Ft. Michael Logen - Human After All

Ally Rhodes - Own Yourself

Zach Berkman - Nothing Is Wrong

William Fitzsimmons & Priscilla Ahn - I Don't Feel It Anymore

TWICEYOUNG - Slow Down

Alex G - Too Far

James Vincent McMorrow - We Don't Eat

Mikkel Solnado - Get Up (Acoustic)

James Bay - Incomplete

OneRepublic - Life In Color (London Sessions 2012)

Hozier - Cherry Wine (Live)

Coldplay - O (Fly On)

I have this playlist directly on my phone so that's how I listen to it, but please tell me if there's any platform/app you prefer for playlists. My SD card would appreciate it. Also, any other platform that I can use to share playlists instead of YouTube?

Did you discover any new artists or songs from this playlist?

Let me know some of you favourites songs to chill out too.

Lots of hugs, A

Conversations | Had enough

When I want to make a big change I like to write about it, as a statement and reminder for how something makes me feel and why I want to change it. Helps me to evaluate things, think better and take a little bit of weight off my mind. And with the blog I can also share it so that's awesome

So get ready! The rambling will start

On June 14 I saw Jessie J live and since then that some of the things she said during the concert got stuck in my head. Among other things, I loved the message she spread about loving ourselves. It's been almost a month, but her words are still in my head. 'Be selfish' she said, and that's what I need to be more. Stop thinking too much about others and neglect myself.
I've thought about this before, but I'm now seeing and applying it to different areas of my life.

And the thing is,

It seems that I'm a fake black person, because my skin says so but I don't act like one and apart from my skin I don't look like one too. I'm an oreo. I can't like the things I do because they are usually the things people from other ethnicities like.

Phrases like 'you don't look like a black person', 'can you speak like a black person?' and 'can you act like a black person?' have been part of my life. Also, been accepting them without being aware of it, but now they are bothering and even hurting me. Something that I barely thought relating it to myself.

I'm unlike other black people. My body doesn't fit the "black woman body type".
I should know how to dance.
My hair is so different. I can't straight it because it seems like my skin colour tells my hair is not naturally straight so I can't have or like it that way. When is curly is not even because I like it, but really because I'm embracing my nature. Either one, the asks I get are 'Is that your real hair? Can I touch it?'.
The ultimate thing was when I got into Veganism. 'Are you vegan? Black people aren't vegans'
That's what people say

So what to do or say after those comments? I simply don't know how to react so I laugh. And I think my biggest problem is laughing because it seems I'm accepting them and people start to say them more often. And something I feel is that people don't respect or value what I say. Which for a long time made me feel inferior, not worthy and that's all my fault because I allowed that.

If I saw someone going through hearing those things I would speak for them, so why do I accept it when people direct it to myself? That doesn't make sense 

Having a darker skin color got and still gets me through a kind of criticism that I can't understand, but I never saw those comments in the way I'm thinking about them now, because I never thought deeply about them and just assumed they were the norm, because hey I have been listening to them all my life.
I got used and easily let myself go in that flow of hiding who I am and trying to justify my tastes.

Through those comments people are saying that I can't be who I am because of my skin color *dah*
But what do they want me to do about my skin colour? Change it? Or change the person I am so I can please they idea about people with the same skin colour as me?

Explain me. What the hell 'act like a *insert ethnicity* means'. Really, what exactly does that mean?
Don't know about you, but when I look to someone's skin I can't see who she is, the things she likes or could do. We are saying 'He likes electronic music because is skin colour says so', how pathetic is that?. Can you really guess what people like by looking at them?
I referred music because apparently my skin tone also tells the type of music I should like. But I won't accept people telling me that or other prejudices anymore.
Skin colours don't show who we are. It's literally just skin coloration

Looking from approval and trying to fit in, I tend do fight against myself and hide the way I feel, but now I'm making peace with myself and gaining confidence to simply be me and stop with the 'I need approval' thing.
Since the beginning of the year that I'm in this journey of knowing and accepting myself (it's getting easier) and I'm also realizing that a lot of posts I wrote before lead me little by little to where I am today. 

And what I'm trying to say is. Don't accept people to tell you what you can or not be. Like or not like, especially based on the way you look.
Now I do realize that once you let it happen, it will certainly happen again. For a long time I allowed people to treat me in the way they wanted so now I have a lot of work to "impose" myself and change that, but first I need to treat me right too.

" I have spent many years at war with myself. 

But now I am healing. 

Mentally, physically and spiritually healing. " 

- dietfitnesshealth

That's it. Feeling super revolutionary and powerful now :p

Lots of hugs, A