Thursday, 9 July 2015

Conversations | Had enough

When I want to make a big change I like to write about it, as a statement and reminder for how something makes me feel and why I want to change it. Helps me to evaluate things, think better and take a little bit of weight off my mind. And with the blog I can also share it so that's awesome

So get ready! The rambling will start

On June 14 I saw Jessie J live and since then that some of the things she said during the concert got stuck in my head. Among other things, I loved the message she spread about loving ourselves. It's been almost a month, but her words are still in my head. 'Be selfish' she said, and that's what I need to be more. Stop thinking too much about others and neglect myself.
I've thought about this before, but I'm now seeing and applying it to different areas of my life.

And the thing is,

It seems that I'm a fake black person, because my skin says so but I don't act like one and apart from my skin I don't look like one too. I'm an oreo. I can't like the things I do because they are usually the things people from other ethnicities like.

Phrases like 'you don't look like a black person', 'can you speak like a black person?' and 'can you act like a black person?' have been part of my life. Also, been accepting them without being aware of it, but now they are bothering and even hurting me. Something that I barely thought relating it to myself.

I'm unlike other black people. My body doesn't fit the "black woman body type".
I should know how to dance.
My hair is so different. I can't straight it because it seems like my skin colour tells my hair is not naturally straight so I can't have or like it that way. When is curly is not even because I like it, but really because I'm embracing my nature. Either one, the asks I get are 'Is that your real hair? Can I touch it?'.
The ultimate thing was when I got into Veganism. 'Are you vegan? Black people aren't vegans'
That's what people say

So what to do or say after those comments? I simply don't know how to react so I laugh. And I think my biggest problem is laughing because it seems I'm accepting them and people start to say them more often. And something I feel is that people don't respect or value what I say. Which for a long time made me feel inferior, not worthy and that's all my fault because I allowed that.

If I saw someone going through hearing those things I would speak for them, so why do I accept it when people direct it to myself? That doesn't make sense 

Having a darker skin color got and still gets me through a kind of criticism that I can't understand, but I never saw those comments in the way I'm thinking about them now, because I never thought deeply about them and just assumed they were the norm, because hey I have been listening to them all my life.
I got used and easily let myself go in that flow of hiding who I am and trying to justify my tastes.

Through those comments people are saying that I can't be who I am because of my skin color *dah*
But what do they want me to do about my skin colour? Change it? Or change the person I am so I can please they idea about people with the same skin colour as me?

Explain me. What the hell 'act like a *insert ethnicity* means'. Really, what exactly does that mean?
Don't know about you, but when I look to someone's skin I can't see who she is, the things she likes or could do. We are saying 'He likes electronic music because is skin colour says so', how pathetic is that?. Can you really guess what people like by looking at them?
I referred music because apparently my skin tone also tells the type of music I should like. But I won't accept people telling me that or other prejudices anymore.
Skin colours don't show who we are. It's literally just skin coloration

Looking from approval and trying to fit in, I tend do fight against myself and hide the way I feel, but now I'm making peace with myself and gaining confidence to simply be me and stop with the 'I need approval' thing.
Since the beginning of the year that I'm in this journey of knowing and accepting myself (it's getting easier) and I'm also realizing that a lot of posts I wrote before lead me little by little to where I am today. 

And what I'm trying to say is. Don't accept people to tell you what you can or not be. Like or not like, especially based on the way you look.
Now I do realize that once you let it happen, it will certainly happen again. For a long time I allowed people to treat me in the way they wanted so now I have a lot of work to "impose" myself and change that, but first I need to treat me right too.

" I have spent many years at war with myself. 
But now I am healing. 
Mentally, physically and spiritually healing. " 

That's it. Feeling super revolutionary and powerful now :p

Lots of hugs, A


  1. This is so inspiring, love the phase "be selfish" you are such a nice person and you deserve the best! Do you want to support each other's blog by following each other?:) Please let me know if you do so I can follow you right back x


    1. Oh Hilary!! Thank you for the kind words!
      Would love to have you around :)

      Lots of hugs, A


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